Your capacity to surrender
to the experience,
to the unknown – and just see what comes up?

At the surface defence and ambivalence.

The deeper I go the more painful and freaky I become.
Art making is a space to process the stuff.
I scramble for equilibrium and calm between the bouts of pain and freakdom.
To reflect and assimilate?
Do you desire to surrender to experience?
Do you even know what this means?
Or how to do it?

It’s not a light switch you can just turn on.

What mental states underpin your behaviour and mine?
Why it’s just fear
…and a desire to belong…my dear.

Tired, overwhelmed, sad and angry. All part of the process. Feel the emotion. Create space and reflect on the emotion…and LEARN. 30 days without a glass of wine.

All day long I have been drawing and replaying images in my mind from placement; stills, short and not so short video clips, diary entries… over and over again like I am tracking over my memory trying to check I haven’t missed anything. It’s exhausting and I just want to turn off. Maybe I am just understanding it all or making it seem more real. Or maybe it’s so real I have to break it down into manageable inserts that I can look at one by one. Such intense imagery and feelings.