With conviction it’s easy to make up your mind. To have the courage of your convictions you need confidence to do or say what you think is right even when other people disagree with pretty much your whole premise and anything that you mutter – on principle, especially if you give any indication whatsoever of hovering over your viewpoint. It has been easy to catch me out this way lately. I forgot to remember that whilst asking other people’s opinion or even involving them intimately in a whole decision making process might make then feel all warm inside and important– it can also lead to all sorts of confusion as they jump to the conclusion that you can’t make up your own mind, you really need their input right now and that actually come to think of it… your convictions are a bit lame, and your courage has taken a leave of absence. If this is the case – then you might be in big trouble.
It has only just occurred to me that if I stop asking for everyone’s opinion and I consult only myself – my decision-making will become fast, efficient and bold. I remember now a Goethe quote that I came across pinned to a friend’s kitchen wall in East London and it said something like…until you decide to commit to a creative endeavor (or anything for that matter), you will be hesitant and ineffective and your lack of commitment will kill your ideas and splendid plans. As soon as you make the decision to commit all sorts of positive unforeseen things happen to support you…“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now”.
This had a powerful impact on me at the time and I jolly well wish I hadn’t forgotten those words so darn quickly. I could do with having them tattooed onto the palm of my hand. Well an abbreviated version obviously as all of that wouldn’t fit on one hand.
So, forced to seek out and rely on other people’s suggestions, ideas and judgments – due to my own lack of perspective, focus and energy etc. etc. – has evaporated my conviction and left me somewhat confused and flakey. What does this all mean? I am looking for something – not finding it – trying to start – and not starting. I am sitting here writing this stuff instead of painting or drawing and not actually telling anyone incase they read it (which they won’t)…while at the same time excitedly checking every morning in the hope that someone might have read it and left me some comments.
I have only one follower currently – my brother – and I am pretty sure he doesn’t actually read this either.